Penitence
by RidingOrangeTides
Summary: You're not allowed to go and chase memories. Cause they only make you miserable. Tsunade has a nightmare that makes her feel worse than she already did. Songfic: Hurt by Christina Aguilara.


**-This is my first songfic, so if I break any rules that apply for songfics, forgive me. This was based on a dream I had, except the story itself is less weird, cause, well, I tend to have dreams that don't make sense. Though I know people have been doing a lot of sad stories on him, it's might as well be the truth. v.v That does not mean I don't think Jiraiya will come back. (Me: He can have a wooden arm! That runs through chakra!! Jess: No, he can't. Me: YES! And his vocal chords will only allow him to whisper! Jess: That's a horrible way to live. Me: So? Jess: Come on Rei, we all know Tsunade's love will bring him back!! Me: Unbelievable). Also, thank you Hyuchiha Ruki for giving me some advice on songfics, since this is my first. There was originally a happy ending, but I guess that wouldn't exactly go well for the song. If you want to read the Alternate Ending just say so I'll give it to you. xDD Enjoy x3-  
**

"It's late, Tsunade-sama," Shizune said, peeking her head through the door. "Get some rest."

Tsunade looked up at her from paperwork which she hadn't even touched and sighed a nod as she got up and left the office. Shizune headed off to her room as TonTon crawled into the small bed next to hers. Tsunade entered her room and shut the door behind her. She thought all the lights were off for a second, til she realized it was just her eyes doing that thing again when you all of a sudden leave the light. The night light was plugged in next to her bed. She took off her jacket and placed in the hanger for her to retrieve in the morning when she goes back to work. As if she wanted to go back to work. She sunk herself inside her blankets and looked off to the side. On her side table, there was a picture frame of her, Naruto, Sakura, Shizune, and Jiraiya. Tsunade glared at it for a moment, remembering how happy she really was when he was around, despite looking furious in the picture. She laughed at the fact how most of his head took the space--his hair always made his head look over sized. His arms were around her and Naruto as Shizune and Sakura stepped off to the side to watch and laugh. Tsunade looked like she was on the verge of breaking his jaw, Naruto just looked annoyed and rushed Kakashi to "take the damn picture already." Good times. Gone.

_ Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face  
You told me how proud you were but I walked away  
If only I knew what I know today_

She started to think of him, and it was hard to believe that after all these years, she never did thank him for anything he did. Though she was irritated by the boatload of work she had to do, handing over the Hokage title was the best thing that has happened to her. Her life was suddenly complete, not because of the power she held, but because she actually had more people to care about and fill in the void that was missing for so long. And now a huge void was hitting her back again. She never realized how much she actually cared about him so much. _Well duh,_ she to herself, _I've known him for over half my life... _She started to miss him more than she already did, she started to regret more than she already did. It's only now she wished she could do all those things before he left. Those dumb moments that he'd screw up, it's like they were countless moves to make her hate him more. When after all it was her who had made the most mistakes.

_ I would hold you in my arms  
I would take the pain away  
Thank you for all you've done  
Forgive all your mistakes_

And she felt stupid all over again. She couldn't help him at all. She couldn't repay him at all. The best she could do was beg him not to die. And even that wasn't enough. She wish she could do all that, that somehow there could be a way she can say "sorry," "thank you," and perhaps even "I love you." She could repay him for the all the times he supported her, and she could see his smile, his face, that look he'd have in his eyes when he'd seen her in the morning. It was incredible of how many countless times they had together that she actually enjoyed.

Good times. Gone.

_ There's nothing I wouldn't do  
To hear your voice again  
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there_

Tsunade turned to turn off the light since it was getting harder to sleep with it on. Her eyes felt dry and heavy as she fell asleep before she started to cry again.

_ I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do  
And I've hurt myself by hurting you_

* * *

She was drifting in the sudden darkness. Its temperature rather low, giving her more than just an emotional chill. It was strange sometimes, how one wouldn't realize it was a dream, no matter how abnormal. Tsunade however was aware. But once she the darkness faded into a village scene she didn't know anymore. She was in a small room, and in front of her was one adults and two children facing one little girl.

"Nice to meet you... I'm Jiraiya!" Tsunade's eyes slightly widened. She stood there silently, watching a piece of her first moments on her team.

"You can send me a love letter later!" Little Jiraiya said and then snickered. Tsunade eyes watered lightly as she smiled small while looking at the reaction she gave him when he said that. She wished she hadn't been so violent on him. She laid a punch on him and walked away, walking passed Tsunade as she was unseen and unnoticed.

The scenery changed to when they were older, Tsunade still standing a reasonable distance where she wasn't noticed. The time when Jiraiya first asked her for a date.

"Come on, hime, just this once?"

"No. I refuse." She said as Tsunade repeated those words as her younger, ignorant self said them. She flung a fist at Jiraiya and repeated the same every time he attempted. She wish she didn't.

Tsunade's eyes became wetter, looking back at the mistakes she's done. Her vision faded for a moment and revealed the time when she and Dan were together. Tsunade stood there, in the same spot, watching everything her mind was giving her. She was confused for a second, wondering what any of this had to do with Jiraiya. She tried to walk away, trying not to relive her own personal pain from the past, but she couldn't. It's like she was being begged to stay put. And she had no choice but to stay put and watch whatever there was that she needed to. She looked off to the corner and Jiraiya staring at Dan and her. She surrounding shifted closer, and Tsunade could see the broken expression on Jiraiya's face. She almost cried.

Then it all went to them sitting on the bench, her telling him not to die, not quite finishing her sentence when she started. "If you were to leave me, too... I..." And he promised not to. He walked away and both forms of herself watched until he was gone.

Everything turned black and she was drifting again, and her feet allowed her to move. All there was in front of her in the darkness was Jiraiya, continuing to walk away. She didn't bother chasing after him. You're not allowed to go and chase memories.

_ Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit  
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss  
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this_

Tsunade sat down on her knees, cause she wasn't allowed to force herself out of dreaming, she waited for mind to throw her something else. She tried to think of something else, something that wasn't sad, but all that led to was when there were happier times when he was around. She tried to think of someone else, but it all connected to him.

His small figure walking away finally became too small to recognize. Tsunade could feel herself sinking, wishing she could do over that moment so he didn't have to leave. But she put too put faith in him. Naruto assured her that. His hurt voice echoed in the darkness. "If that Pervy Sage had been made the 5th Hokage. Than Tsunade wouldn't have forced him him to do this!"

It was the first time he hadn't added the 'obaa-chan.' His own little rude way of showing affection to the both of them were his little nicknames. He no longer could give her that name. And he was right to be angry at her. Since her dream limited her from further conscious thinking, all she could add up to was even Naruto knew she didn't deserve the title Jiraiya handed over to her.

It was amazing she could come to that while asleep.

But no matter how much anyone hated it, no matter how much she hated it herself, she was still the Hokage, yet still with nothing to repay anyone back.

_ Would you tell me I was wrong?  
Would you help me understand?  
Are you looking down upon me?  
Are you proud of who I am?_

Jiraiya's deep voice chimed in, and for a second she couldn't tell where it was coming from.

"Hime," he called. Tsunade turned behind her and there he was, and once she saw him her mind played that trick on her and blocked her logical thinking and she continued to be unaware that it was all fake. She didn't want to believe it was fake either. He offered his hand as Tsunade stared at it for a moment, then taking it. His hands were soft and warm.

"How was your flashback moments?" Jiraiya joked. Tsunade laughed quietly. Not even in her dreams did he ever change.

Tsunade couldn't help it and took this fake opportunity to embrace him. She let few tears drop as his red vest absorbed it. Jiraiya smiled, as if feeling sorry for her. His big, soft, warm hands brushed through her hair as he petted her. He lowered his head so that his mouth was near her ear.

"Tell me, hime," he whispered. "Do you want another chance?"

Tsunade paused for a moment, pondering. Was she about to let her own desires mess with her? Yes.

_ There's nothing I wouldn't do  
To have just one more chance  
To look into your eyes and see you looking back_

She looked up at his onyx eyes. They were sincere and kind, perfect for a deception. She nodded and whispered a faint "please." Jiraiya widened his arms and broke free. She stood there, curious of what he'd do.

"Then come and get me."

There was that drifting again, and Jiraiya was no where to be seen. Tsunade panicked, looking all around her. She found Jiraiya walking way again, but a closer distance than she last saw him. She was this close, she was given another chance to stop him. He walked towards a set of stairs, at the top was Pein waiting, waiting to take his life away. Tsunade began to run, but kept on tripping over something rocky on the way. There was nothing to be seen on the ground. But everything was pulling her down. A warning. _You're not allowed to go and chase memories. _She ignored the tacit message.

_ I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do  
And I've hurt myself  
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that  
I've missed you since you've been away_

Jiraiya stepped onto the stairs, each step coming closer. Tsunade scrambled back up desperately and continued to run. She was almost there, she thought, almost there. She reached a reasonable distance, by the time she was close Jiraiya was facing her, Pein holding his sword above his head. She reached out but her feet forced her down once more. She stumbled down in defeat. She looked up at Jiraiya. She was a fool. All she had was once chance. All along, too. And for how long did that chance stay open to her? Very long. She never took it.

"What's the matter, hime?" Jiraiya said coldly. "I thought you'd make it."

_ Oh, it's dangerous  
It's so out of line to try to turn back time_

Tsunade's eyes began to water but was rendered silent and confused and shattered.

Jiraiya frowned. "I was wrong about you."

Pein's eyes pierced through Tsunade's expression as he smirked and lifted the sword higher. Tsunade could not move. Her logical, reasonable self was holding her back. She tried to stop herself from hurting herself, but she couldn't She wanted another chance. She wanted to say everything, do everything that she could have but was too stubborn or too cold to do. Even if it meant faking it. But reality is reality and you cannot change what has happened. You cannot turn back time, you cannot bring the dead back to life. And now she even remembered Orochimaru's words. "All life eventually dies and fades."

Everything was attacking her at one moment. Images behind the preview of Jiraiya's death began to flash, from the time they frist met, the time she brought him down so many times, when they were brought back together, and she still treated him like trash; to the moment she was informed that he was gone, that was the only time she ever thought about anything she regretted doing. She couldn't take it anymore and she tasted the salt dripping onto her lips and she didn't stop crying.

Pein gripped tight on his sword as Jiraiya looked down on Tsunade with a grim look on his face. He was going to die like he really did. Died thinking he wasn't loved.

_ I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do  
And I've hurt myself..._

Before he put pressure in his strike Tsunade whispered softly. "I'm sorry."

He applied pressure to his sword and swung down as strong and as quickly as he could. Jiraiya closed his eyes as Tsunade's widened. The whole place returned to dark scenery as she heard a spill and a thump.

"Jiraiya!"

The black scene shifted to the ceiling quickly to the wall as Tsunade's eyes shattered open, and her heart skipped a beat. She breathed heavily and thought as tears furiously poured out onto her blanket.

_...By hurting you._


End file.
